Written by Adam Beaumont | 20 December 2009

It’s nearly Christmas, which is rubbish. Dry turkey and foul tasting sprouts. Bad television and mind-numbing boredom. Crap presents and having to spend time with your dogshit family. Merry Christmas!

I hate the fact the world expects me to be pleasant around this time when the world usually doesn’t give two shits about what mood I’m in for the rest of the year. And kids - playing around in the snow is fine with me, for all I care you can re-enact the Battle of the Somme but if I get hit by any snowball I will kick the deepest lying bodily fluids out of your face. Regardless of you being thirteen.

I’ll leave you to be merry while I’ll get pissed. That works just fine.

Still, your awful life - now complete with another hideous man-fume and pair of Homer Simpson socks – will improve marginally if you flick over to any channel carrying football coverage or, doing things the traditional way, actually spend the cash you got in that card from unknown auntie on a ticket to the game. Either way.

Football provides a 90 minute respite from the urge to kill yourself around this time of year and the games are usually pretty entertaining, so don’t worry about the lack of love in your life, fart out the last of that veg gas and just enjoy the cold weather action. Then when the final whistle goes, carry on with the trumping and crying.

Premiership

It’s been another good weekend with a few wins in unexpected places and, in one case, a semi-unexpected sacking. Plus, I told you about that unexpected sacking in the summer but you didn’t believe me so suck my snow-dusted penis.

Saturday:

Fulham 3-0 Manchester United

It seems calling Bobby Zamora shit makes him score goals, so in light of his current form, well done Fulham fans – long may the abuse continue! You’ve got to love that even more when it inspires Zam the Man to get amongst the goals in a remarkably comfortable win over the champions. Danny Murphy and Damien Duff got on the score sheet either side of the so-called England hopeful (never gonna happen).

Portsmouth 2-0 Liverpool

Did the Wigan win help the Reds to turn the corner? Nope. Bottom of the table Pompey beat this lot of Liverpool losers and low lives without any fuss really which just goes to show that anything can happen. Portsmouth still bottom after this win but they are getting there. Belhadj and Piquionne sent the visitors crashing to their seventh defeat of the season. Factoid alert: Liverpool and close neighbours Everton have lost the same number of games this season. Useless, but interesting.

Manchester City 4-3 Sunderland

Brilliant game. Man City should have won this one easier than how they eventually did but it seems that regardless of their performance, Sparky would have got the sack. Even though his record aint too bad, with that much investment put into the club, it was always clear the owners wanted immediate success. Seven straight draws is not the form of a side assembled for over £200million. Roberto Mancini succeeds Hughes which is a great move for City as the Italian has experience of managing starry sides and, more importantly, winning things. It aint all bad for the departing man though as he’s set to get a £3million pay off. Sweet. In the game itself, Roque Santa Cruz got two against an out of form Sunderland outfit (I’m too lazy – or rather not lazy enough – to make a Santa pun here) while Tevez and Bellamy also found the net. It was a spirited display from the Black Cats coming from a two goal deficit in the first half to level and then equalise again in the second after having gone down once more, but they didn’t do enough to get anything. Expect more new signings in January as Mancini puts together his side.

Aston Villa 1-0 Stoke

Villa are cruising, but Stoke put in a solid performance. John Carew eventually got the all important goal on the hour mark to seal another win. They are not far off the pace at the top either.

Blackburn 0-2 Tottenham Hotspur

It’s getting increasingly difficult to predict which Spurs side will turn up for a game at the minute. Will it be the ‘9-1ers’ or the ‘we needlessly lose at home to teams we should be easily beating team’? We just don’t know. What we do know, however, is that neither of those sort-of nicknames are very good and that you just have to see what happens. Peter Crouch is getting back to his best and will have to continue this way in order to get on the pitch at South Africa (his inclusion is surely in the bag but match minutes aren’t). It was his double that sunk an insipid Rovers.

Arsenal 3-0 Hull City

It was a dull game due to City’s insistence on quashing flowing football, but Arsenal came through it unscathed. Nasri was naughty but stayed on the pitch despite stamping on Garcia, but that kind of shit happens often enough for nobody to care too much. What we do care about is technical brilliance and lovely goals. Denilson provided both with his delicious free kick deep into first half stoppage time. Fellow countryman Geovanni missed a spot kick for the visitors, but it wouldn’t have mattered. The Gunners were always likely to break and find the net and did minutes later through Eduardo and then Diaby. Arsenal back in the title race… I didn’t see that one coming.

Sunday:

Wolves 2-0 Burnley

Role reversal here. Burnley started superbly but are now beginning to struggle (the Arsenal draw in midweek aside) and Wolves have now strung three wins together on the bounce after a shaking few months. Kevin Doyle is their main goal threat and he was at it again here at Molineux. His goal ensured victory against Owen Coyle’s Burnley after Nenad Milijias opened up the scoring after 15 minutes. This win has shot Wolves from 18th to 12th. Now it will be a Merry Christmas in the Midlands.

Everton 1-1 Birmingham

Most of that Midlands merriment will from Birmingham City fans. The on-form club in the Premiership, City are undefeated in… er… loads. This draw at Everton must be viewed as two points lost rather than one gained, but they all count and this is a decent enough result for both sides. Bilyaletdinov scored early for the home side but Seb Larsson equalised later on in the half.

West Ham 1-1 Chelsea

The Chelsea wobble continues. The Blues only just got past Pompey in midweek thanks to a Frank Lampard penalty late on and they had him to thank again for the goal at Upton Park by the same means. Diamanti put West Ham ahead from the spot but they couldn’t hang on to the lead. Zola’s side still in the bottom three, Chelsea still top… but for how long? Well, if United keep messing it could be until May.