Thrills and Spills in the Carling Cup

It’s settled then. In the Carling Cup final, Aston Villa will play… er… a side from Manchester, Arsenal are now top of the Premiership and will surely be crowned champions even though Chelsea seem stronger without their African stars and Liverpool will definitely finish in the top four thanks to that win over Tottenham in midweek.

Yeah, alright I concede – a little bit less than bugger all is decided yet. Man City take a slim lead to Old Trafford meaning either side could still yet get to Wembley next month, Arsenal are indeed back in the race but lead the way merely on goals scored (Chelsea just so happen to have a game in hand, too) and Liverpool are, well, what they are. They could still make the Champions League spots but have much work to do.

The openness of this season is a pain in the arse to be honest. If Chelsea or United would just get on with running away with it, I could spend less time having to mull over every outcome and shock result and simply dedicate a few words here and there on how brilliant they are. Instead, what I get each week is twenty teams who just can’t be bloody consistent. Man City were on cruise control – but they lost to Everton. Easily. Chelsea were a bit poo for a while, scraping wins against Pompey and Fulham and only managing draws at Birmingham and West Ham. Seven goals later and there aren’t enough words in the English language to describe how awesome they are. United go from tremendous to terrible from game to game.

But I love it. This season has been fantastic, even if I do have to muck about with writing uninspired sentences such as ‘wow, it is a surprise to see so-and-so do such-and-such on Saturday. Amazing’. On Wednesday, we might just have witnessed the game of this ever so fantastic season but that’s for you to decide. James Milner, Aston Villa

Aston Villa had won the first leg of the Carling Cup semi-final in comfortable if not spectacular fashion at Ewood Park so nothing could have prepared all those in Villa Park for what they were about to see. You all know it finished 6-4 so I won’t cock about and skirt around the final score line like it’s some big secret, but Christ almighty, it was emotional. The goals and scorers were far too numerous to describe here but Big Sam must have gone from pleased-amundo to pissed off in the course of the first 40 minutes. Rovers squandered a 2-0 lead to go in at halftime pegged back to 2-2 on the night and a goal down on aggregate. Then the real fun started. Goal after goal went in at both ends with the best coming from Blackburn’s Martin Olsson just after the hour. With a 7-4 aggregate win sending them into the final, Villa will face either City or United.

The other semi-final at Eastlands weren’t half bad either. The red lot lead first through a Giggs tap-in 17 minutes in but the blue chaps found themselves an equaliser thanks to the softest penalty ever awarded in a professional game of football. Craig Bellamy was kinda stroked in the box by Rafael in the 42nd minute and Carlos Tevez slotted home past van der Sar. The Argentinean got what would turn to be the match winner midway through the second half and celebrated with a ‘fuck you Gary Neville’ gesture aimed at, unsurprisingly, Gary Neville. The Manchester United right back – the dullest human being on Earth – had previously said Tevez was a pile of old shit or something to that effect and the club switcher decided to hit back. Personally, I wouldn’t mind seeing ol’ Nev and Tev having a go in some grotty pub car park somewhere so they can settle their differences the old fashioned way. I bet Carlos would rip his Gary’s heart out with his teeth. Through his arse. Tevez signals to Neville after his second goal

Regardless of who would win round the back of the King’s Head after a few pints, the second leg is finely poised. I reckon spot kicks will be needed.

In other news…

Premiership stuff happened too. Hull City’s Boaz Myhill had the game of his career at White Hart Lane on Saturday to deny every Spurs player on the pitch. At one point I heard Harry Redknapp offer God a blowjob for a goal. Fortunately for Hull, God doesn’t swing that way. Tottenham’s week got worse on Wednesday when Dirk Kuyt hit a double against them at Anfield to drag themselves back in the hunt for a fourth-or-better end of season placing. Owen Coyle’s Bolton squandered a 2-0 lead against Arsenal to end up on the crap end of a 4-2 defeat to stay second from bottom. As already mentioned, The Gunners are top as a result. That’s twice in a week the Trotters have lost to the Arseholes. I mean Arsenal. Chelsea didn’t miss Drogba at all putting seven past Sunderland (though they conceded twice themselves). Lampard and Anelka got two apiece. Everton’s win over City was classy. Marouane Fellaini’s delightfully nonchalant swivel past Bellamy was far more satisfying for the Goodison faithful than either goal, with the evidence lying in the prolonged cheers around the ground after he had done it. Magic.

There’s only the one Premiership game this weekend as the FA Cup returns. Manchester United host Hull City at Old Trafford and will hope to beat them comfortably in order to haul themselves back to the top of the table.

Check back for details of the winners, losers and assorted dickheads from all the games this weekend.