The Loan Gunmen

The cash-strapped clubs of England have been forced to do their business on a short-term basis and effectively aim low as the Premiership sees record lows in both cash spent and the calibre/star power of the personnel making the moves. It’s no surprise. Pompey are a bum hair away from disaster, Hull City might have to start car-booting to raise the extra cash to pay off the creditors and United, well we won’t go into their problems. As the UK finally, just about, sort-of pulls out of the recession, the big-money bubble has burst for the clubs in the land. Soon Sir Alex will be reduced to signing out of favour former England strikers with dodgy hamstrings as Arsene flips through his 2005-6 season sticker book for transfer inspiration and decide he had it right back in the day. Oh, hang on… That’s already happened! Oh dear, oh dear.

Stefano Okaka signs on loan for Fulham For the football clubs of England and the investors behind them, a piss-stinking tramp fight awaits for both survival and silverware. Excluding Man City. They can carry on.

Lets get on with it then. As nobody could afford to buy anyone, the only question is who went where? Trust me, while doing my 3 minutes of nominal research, never has I seen the words ‘end of season loan’ so often. Enjoy.

If you’re a good boy and manage to choke down the downright dull details of the final player movement of this season, I’ll write nasty things about John Terry and his adventures in infidelity.

•    In a rare case of money changing hands, Benni McCarthy left sunny Blackburn for, er, sunny West Ham. Thing is, we don’t know how much for. Lets just say the fee his signature commanded was ‘big’.
•    David Nugent resigned for Burnley from Portsmouth until the summer in a move that will no doubt see a permanent switch when this season is done with. At least that way the former Preston man can enjoy playing football at a level best suited to him – the Championship.
•    Fulham have done the best of the business in bringing in Roma’s Stefano Okaka and Villa’s Nicky Shorey for the remainder of the season. These two should see Fulham get back on track and back into contention for Europe. One thing is certain though, regardless of how well he does, we’ll never see Shorey in an England shirt again.
•    In the biggest news of closing day, Celtic brought in Tottenham’s Robbie Keane to try (but ultimately fail) to reclaim the Scottish title. Diomansy Kamara joins him from Craven Cottage also.
•    Hull City’s massive clearout turned out to be tiny in the end as only Daniel Cousin and Peter Halmosi ended up buggering off. And even then they’ll be back. Twats.
•    Middlesbrough’s promising Adam Johnson is now Man City’s promising Adam Johnson. Undisclosed fee. ‘Nuff said.
•    Portsmouth are destined for relegation now if they weren’t already with the sale of goalkeeper Begovic and Younes Kaboul. Stoke take the Bosnian shot-stopper while Tottenham resign the gifted sort-of Frenchman sort-of Moroccan.
•    Alan Hutton joins Sunderland for the remainder of the campaign from, wait for it, Tottenham! The Scot will surely move permanently in the future.
•    While Hutton makes himself comfortable up north, Daryl Murphy and Nyron Nosworthy move away from the Stadium of Light into the Championship where they’ll never be seen again. Trust me.
•    Wigan have brought in Marcelo Moreno on loan from Shakhtar Donetsk. If he does well then expect a bigger club to swoop for him at the tail end of next season should he end up permanently on Wigan’s books. Such is life for the Latics.

In John Terry News…

England skipper John Terry is in a spot of bother over his erotic escapades with former teammate Wayne Bridge’s ex-missus. The Chelsea ace was shagging the French beauty for a certain amount of time at some point and apparently – or rather allegedly - paid for an abortion (it’s obvious I haven’t actually read the papers to get the facts with this one). Terry has always been a bit of a shit and the ‘King of the Chavs’ in my eyes, but he’s by far the best defender in England so lets not get too testy with him until after the World Cup. When Fab’s when fail at the quarter-final stage then it’s time to burn the bastard at the stake, but not before. Regardless of how mucked up one’s personal life is, should that effect or hinder one’s claim to the captaincy? It’s a tricky one. In my opinion, as long as Terry does it on the pitch he can do what – or who - he likes off it. After all, are you going to sacrifice one of the best centre backs and natural leaders of a generation for the inclusion of Wayne Bridge? Exactly.